Tuesday, July 13, 2010

What will be?

Do you ever get panicky about life getting away from you? Lately I feel like there is so much I want to do and I am worried I won't have enough time to do it all. It is ridiculous really, because I am only 29. I am not contemplating my own mortality or anything, just realizing that eventually I may actually have to "grow up." This is especially worrying to me because I feel like I might not have really fully experienced being a youngish person. I was always too "mature" for my age, too scared, too focused on the future. Now I realize that life isn't really about the future at all, it is a great deal about the NOW. It makes me remember this Marcus Aurelius quote that I put in like every journal...
Were you to live 3,000 years or even 30,000, remember that the sole life which a man can lose is that which he is living at the moment; and further more, that he can have no other life except the one he loses. This means that the longest life and the shortest amount to the same thing. For a passing minute is every man's equal possession, but what has gone by is not ours. Our loss, therefore, is limited to that one fleeting instant, since no one can lose what is already past nor yet what is still to come - for how can he be deprived of what he does not possess?
If that is really true, and I think I believe that it is, then I shouldn't be wasting one single minute. I should be dreaming, planning and then actually doing what fills my heart. We should be living our dreams right now, as opposed to waiting for the perfect time or situation. That may never come and then I will be 60 years old instead of 30, thinking about what could have been instead of what should actually be.
I guess the question is, how do I make my dreams a reality? How do I life the life I want while also accounting for the fact that I want to have another child desperately. IVF is expensive and my pregnancy is not one that I can cover minus insurance. Adoption seems like a long shot if we are totally living outside the "norm." I don't know if my soul can wait to get going with life until I have another child, but I know that my soul cannot be full without at least trying for one more.
Who knows what the days will bring. I am so thankful that I am at least dreaming again. :)


  1. I love this Post Katie!! The only thing we are certain of is this very moment. Life is simply too short~ Live each day to the fullest, and that can be the simplest of things! I learned this all the hard way when my mom died last year. I don't have any answers on the IVF, trying for another beautiful child portion of your post, but I know you are a great mom and your son is lucky to have you!!
    I am very glad to know you!!

  2. i love this post too! and i feel that i can relate. i have so many dreams, but how do you make them into reality? there has to be some way, otherwise those dreams wouldn't be so heavy on our hearts.and thats so awesome that you feel you can dream again. losing that made me soo sad. i hope all your dreams come true and are better than you imagined!!

  3. Dreams require work but work keeps you from your dreams. Do you work less and lower your expectations for your future or do you make the sacrifice now to get the payoff later? My head hurts.

  4. ive been feeling the exact same way lately!! (not the another child part, 3 is enough haha) but i have so many "projects" and ideas and my head runs away with the things i want to do.. its over wheming!! feels like there are never enough hours in the day -->at least not if you are living life right :)
    advice i give myself all the time: dont worry so much! enjoy life. who cares if its 'normal' or perfect. remember you only get one shot to make the memories in this lifetime.. dont miss out, go with the flow, have fun, and remember that everything happens for a reason!! - hope it helps you too.
    if you want another kid, go for it!! if its meant to be, it will happen and the universe will find a way to work it all out in your life! no one is ever fully or financially ready for a child (1st,2nd, or 3rd) but if think that there will be even a glimmer of regret about not trying in the future.. its better to KNOW then to wonder!!
    your life is amazing! from what i see, you are a wonderful mother and wife. there is nothing wrong with always wanting knowledge or searching your way through life.. its what makes it worth living!!

  5. Dream on girl! I agree, try to live in the moment and enjoy it. I'm sorry IVF is so expensive. I'm the same way, I overthink and overanalyze things that might affect the future. Sometimes I feel like I didn't enjoy enough, but looking back I'm happy with the way things are but I don't think I'll ever feel "grown up" and totally in control of everything (as much as I thought I would by 25)