Here is the story...
A few weeks ago I started going to see a lady to "talk." I guess people would call her a therapist, but that sounds so pompous and self absorbed to me. " Oh, I am going to my therapist..." blah blah blah. But the truth is the truth and that's what I have been doing. I have been on antidepressants since I was 15, that is just under half of my life. They do their job, but lately they haven't been doing their job well enough. I didn't want to go and up medication and keep on covering up whatever is going on, so I found this truly wonderful woman to talk to.
I know, I know, isn;t there someone I can talk to that doesn't require payment?? I truly wish there was. In fact, that may be one of the single greatest wishes of my life right now. I wish I had a best friend. Not my husband, not my family but a best friend who would just talk to me straight up and love me no matter what...but, I don't. Over the course of the previous few years I managed to push almost everyone away. I just completely closed in on myself. The good news is that I am fighting that instinct, and have been fighting is successfully since January of last year. In the past months I have met and befriended some amazing women and I consider myself blessed to be a community with them. Still, I want that one person. I had it, but it was a horrible, messed up relationship is some ways, and we both just had to walk away after years of friendship. So, I am still searching for that person.
In the mean-time I am "talking" to this woman and it has been one of the most liberating things I have ever done for myself. When I first met her I said, "my life is so full of blessings and I have so many reasons to be happy, so I want to learn to BE happy." Not just for a day or a week, but truly content and happy. I was just totally unable to do that because I was weighed down by my own bullshit. It has been the most amazing thing to speak my truth and then just be able to letting it go. It's like by putting it out there I can see what is real and what is my own drama/insecurity/anxiety and then I can make real decisions and leave things behind.
So, that is my truth right now. I am seeing a therapist (grimace) and I am so thankful that I took that step.