Thursday, October 11, 2012

The One Where My Heart Aches and Swells At The Same Time

I know that our children are given to us by God for a finite period of time. We are to guide them and raise them and then let them go, independant, God-following, happy adults. I get it, you know, I just don't feel it. I am not ready for him to grow just yet. I want him to stay a boy who thinks I am the love of his life forever. I want him to smell the same and laugh the same and never, ever, ever be embarrassed to hold my hand.

 But...I know that's not real.

He is growing and evolving minute by minute...and it is good. Truly good. Every day he learns something new and delights in sharing that knowledge with me. He asks magical, insightful questions. Questions that make me think and questions that challenge me. He tells jokes that make me roll, and then tells them again and again...and again. Because if once was funny, why not ten times? And it almost is funny every time, if only because he laughs. He sings and he shakes his booty and he creates. Oh, how my boy creates. LEGOs, dirt sculptures, blocks, play dough, stories...magic. And his love? It shines. It's like a tornado: fierce and reckless, unexpected and earth shattering. It is nothing less than an act of God and it is poured out on me like nothing I ever realized was possible.

And my heart breaks, literally breaks, every time I think about how all of that will fade with time. Soon he will shower another woman with all of that love. Soon he will have his own babies to hold and admire. Soon he will leave and the power of that thought devestates me.

I think it has more power right now because the growth of our family seems so uncertain. I can't entertain the thought, no matter how unrealistic, that I will carry another child in my womb. I can't comfort myself with the knowledge that I will get another chance. I may never hold another newborn in the middle of the night, offering myself for his nutrition. I may never hold a small boy in the night as he coughs and struggles and finds comfort in only me. I may never...well, there are so many things.

I have been trying to find peace in knowing that the Lord will bless us as he desires. He may have a child or even more children waiting to find their home in our family. I may still become the old lady who lived in a shoe... after all, John does pray every single night for two sisters and five brothers. BUT, I may not. And I have to focus on the fact that I miraulously got to do it once. I love this boy with my whole, entire being. He is the answer to prayer in every way. And I am lucky and blessed, no matter what because he is mine, even if it is just for a few short years.

I have to add that I know life isn't really and truly going to end when he grows up. I have God, my husband and a beautiful community of friends to share joy with. I will still be John's mom and, with God's blessing, someday I will be a Grandmother too. Some days are just more melodramatic than others :)

No comments:

Post a Comment