The One Where My Heart Aches and Swells At The Same Time

I know that our children are given to us by God for a finite period of time. We are to guide them and raise them and then let them go, independant, God-following, happy adults. I get it, you know, I just don't feel it. I am not ready for him to grow just yet. I want him to stay a boy who thinks I am the love of his life forever. I want him to smell the same and laugh the same and never, ever, ever be embarrassed to hold my hand.

 But...I know that's not real.

He is growing and evolving minute by minute...and it is good. Truly good. Every day he learns something new and delights in sharing that knowledge with me. He asks magical, insightful questions. Questions that make me think and questions that challenge me. He tells jokes that make me roll, and then tells them again and again...and again. Because if once was funny, why not ten times? And it almost is funny every time, if only because he laughs. He sings and he shakes his booty and he creates. Oh, how my boy creates. LEGOs, dirt sculptures, blocks, play dough, stories...magic. And his love? It shines. It's like a tornado: fierce and reckless, unexpected and earth shattering. It is nothing less than an act of God and it is poured out on me like nothing I ever realized was possible.

And my heart breaks, literally breaks, every time I think about how all of that will fade with time. Soon he will shower another woman with all of that love. Soon he will have his own babies to hold and admire. Soon he will leave and the power of that thought devestates me.

I think it has more power right now because the growth of our family seems so uncertain. I can't entertain the thought, no matter how unrealistic, that I will carry another child in my womb. I can't comfort myself with the knowledge that I will get another chance. I may never hold another newborn in the middle of the night, offering myself for his nutrition. I may never hold a small boy in the night as he coughs and struggles and finds comfort in only me. I may never...well, there are so many things.

I have been trying to find peace in knowing that the Lord will bless us as he desires. He may have a child or even more children waiting to find their home in our family. I may still become the old lady who lived in a shoe... after all, John does pray every single night for two sisters and five brothers. BUT, I may not. And I have to focus on the fact that I miraulously got to do it once. I love this boy with my whole, entire being. He is the answer to prayer in every way. And I am lucky and blessed, no matter what because he is mine, even if it is just for a few short years.

I have to add that I know life isn't really and truly going to end when he grows up. I have God, my husband and a beautiful community of friends to share joy with. I will still be John's mom and, with God's blessing, someday I will be a Grandmother too. Some days are just more melodramatic than others :)

And So It Goes...

2012 has walloped me but it hasn't taken me down. We have had some serious ups and some dramatic downs, but the Venturas just keep on keeping on.

Since it has been so long since I posted, I think I might just post a quick month by month. It doesn't really matter since as of right now my readership is pretty much down to me :) Those are the breaks when you don't post for almost a year.

December 2011: I accepted Christ.

Yes, you did just read that correctly. I never, ever, ever thought I would say those words, but I said them loudly and clearly. I found Christ and answered the door after he had been knocking for a limitless amount of time. It is the single greatest decision I have ever made, and I continue to make it day after day.

January 2012: I don't honestly think anything big happened this month, or February either, for that matter.

March 2012: March made up for any lack of activity experienced in February. We moved out of our shared rental with my dad and got our first place alone in over 3 years! My dad moved about 5 miles from us, which was a perfect distance. We are still able to see him serveal times per week. Our apartment is a two-story townhome style. It is absolutely perfect for our small family.

8 days after we moved in I had gall bladder surgery. That was kind of a rough one (my 4th surgery in 4 years) and took a bit of time for recovery.

A week after that we went on vacation with our best friends and celebrated John's 4th birthday. It was such a blessed time. John got to be with his best buddies and we all just genuinely enjoyed each others company. We stayed in a big cabin and played with quads til we were completely pooped each night.

May 2012: I celebrated my 31st birthday.

June, July and August 2012: Summer hits our household. If you have never experienced an AZ summer, let me tell you, we all go into full blown hibernation mode. This summer was exceptionally bad because it was really humid for AZ. We had a ton of powerful storms, including two that totally flooded my mom's property. We did a lot of swimming, too many movies, tons of playdates and a few museum trips. It was a good summer, but way too long for my taste.

September 2012: Josh and I celebrated our 9th anniversary. We don't usually do much but this year he suprised me with tickets to a local theater. We saw The Secret Garden and it was perfect. He got me a roadbike that I haven't been able to ride much yet (see June, July and August). Someday we will have money and I will buy him something great. He got my $1400 bike in return for about 2 hours worth of handyman work.

We got family pictures for the first time in a few years. My best friend Jessamyn is an enormously talented photographer and she took them for us a s a gift.

September also brought the women's retreat at church. We went to Lost Canyon, which is a Young Life camp in Williams, AZ. My mom went with me and it was a wonderful shared experience. We made some lifelong friendships and I even did the zipline!!

October 2012:  This has been another whopper of a month for our family. I had a total hysterectomy on the 2nd. I have been sick and in pain for longer than I care to admit. Being in chronic pain has taken its toll on my family. I spend 2-3 days per month in bed and missing out on the little joys of motherhood. So, after a lot of discussion we decided to take the plunge and go with the surgery. We don't know if it is going to fix things, there are no guarantees obviously. Its painful to know that another pregnancy will never be possible, but we believe that the Lord will grow our family as he sees fit. All we can do is pray and hope and have peace that things will turn out exactly according to His plan. 

So, that is our year in a nutshell. I have so many other experiences to explore. I hope that I can continue to share in this space. It is so much easier for me than journalling on paper. 

In peace,

Katie