Here is the story...
A few weeks ago I started going to see a lady to "talk." I guess people would call her a therapist, but that sounds so pompous and self absorbed to me. " Oh, I am going to my therapist..." blah blah blah. But the truth is the truth and that's what I have been doing. I have been on antidepressants since I was 15, that is just under half of my life. They do their job, but lately they haven't been doing their job well enough. I didn't want to go and up medication and keep on covering up whatever is going on, so I found this truly wonderful woman to talk to.
I know, I know, isn;t there someone I can talk to that doesn't require payment?? I truly wish there was. In fact, that may be one of the single greatest wishes of my life right now. I wish I had a best friend. Not my husband, not my family but a best friend who would just talk to me straight up and love me no matter what...but, I don't. Over the course of the previous few years I managed to push almost everyone away. I just completely closed in on myself. The good news is that I am fighting that instinct, and have been fighting is successfully since January of last year. In the past months I have met and befriended some amazing women and I consider myself blessed to be a community with them. Still, I want that one person. I had it, but it was a horrible, messed up relationship is some ways, and we both just had to walk away after years of friendship. So, I am still searching for that person.
In the mean-time I am "talking" to this woman and it has been one of the most liberating things I have ever done for myself. When I first met her I said, "my life is so full of blessings and I have so many reasons to be happy, so I want to learn to BE happy." Not just for a day or a week, but truly content and happy. I was just totally unable to do that because I was weighed down by my own bullshit. It has been the most amazing thing to speak my truth and then just be able to letting it go. It's like by putting it out there I can see what is real and what is my own drama/insecurity/anxiety and then I can make real decisions and leave things behind.
So, that is my truth right now. I am seeing a therapist (grimace) and I am so thankful that I took that step.
Thursday, January 6, 2011
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I am so proud of you!! You are amazing! I would LOVE to talk on the phone any time! I know we are not in the same state and I know I am not a mother, but I am a good listener! And sometimes it just helps to bounce thoughts and ideas and complaints and frustrations and happy times etc off of someone else ~ so let me know if you even want to talk!
ReplyDeleteYou are awesome! :)
As with nearly any profession, therapy was created and endures because at least some of the time, some people have/do get something important from it. I tried the same thing about a year ago but I got a terrible "counselor" who was really a grad student using me for research or something. I am so glad you found someone that is helping : ) You deserve happiness.
ReplyDeleteOn that note, you know you can call me and I would never lie to you (I am not very good at sugar coating either) or judge you. But I totally understand if you would rather not. I learned at NAU how helpful and liberating it can be to talk to someone you can easily walk away from without looking back. Sometimes close friends are too complicated.