Not Really Prepared

We went on vacation this week and got home last night. While we were unpacking my dad's cat Louie (also known as Lucifer) snuck outside. I saw him and went to put him back in the house, but hesitated. Was this really our cat? This cat was so thin, Louie was a big fat cat. This cat was so quiet, Louie would have fought me picking him up. It turned out that it was my dad's cat, just a really sick version of my dad's cat. Between Saturday when we left and Wednesday when we got back he had become an entirely different animal.
I immediately asked my dad what was going on and he said that Louie hadn't been eating much and that he was keeping an eye on him. I think because he was with him every day he just didn't see how drastic the change was. I went into our apartment and started to cry, Louie was dying and nobody realized it.
By this morning there was no doubt, and when I took him to the vet this afternoon I thought he almost passed away in the car. It turns out that he was in kidney failure and so my dad and sister had to put him to sleep. John and I were there, though not in the room, because we had taken him to the vets. My sister was so upset, but I felt so much peace about the decision because I had seen how much he was suffering through the course of the day.
After we left and got into the car, John started asking where Louie went, and that is when the business that I feel truly unprepared for started.
I honestly didn't know what to tell my two year old son. I am not religious and I don't believe in heaven, so I told him the most peaceful thing I could think of. I told him that Louie went to go live in the sky where he would be able to feel better. John told me that he was going to have to be careful not to fall. I thought, "well that was easy."
Then my dad got into the car (we had to go back and get my sister's car because she was too upset to drive herself home.) John told my dad that Louie went to live in the sky and my dad told him that Louie was in the sky living with God. John then asked, "Who is God?" "Will he make Louie better? Will Louie want his food again?"
My poor dad had no idea what to tell him about God. He knows I am not a believer and didn't want to step on any toes. I had no idea what to tell him because everyone in his life except me are believers and I don't want to rob John of the chance to decide for himself. In the end we told him that he would learn about God later. He brought Louie and the sky up about 25 more times throughout the evening. He never seemed distressed, just curious about what happened. He even asked me if God was going to fix Louie with a saw and a drill. Children are so honest and open, but I wasn't prepared fr such thoughtful questions.
I guess I really need to start figuring out what Josh and I are going to tell John so that we can present religion to John in a well rounded, unjudgemental and comfortable way. Religion is such a hot button topic in my home since Josh is a Christian and I am probably what one would consider a Pagan. The thing about it is, I have been avoiding religion for so long due to my distaste for my experiences with Christianity, that I really need to solidify my beliefs so that I have some ideas to share with John. I am totally comfortable with him learning two points of view and deciding for himself, but I need to make sure that I understand what my point of view is.
So, it was an eventful, sorrowful and thoughtful day. I have a cloud over my heart for Louie but I do know that he was suffering and release was the best option for him.

A Wizbang Good Day

Today was one of those days when I feel like we spent every minute doing something. It doesn't seem like we have those very often, even though I would really like to spend more time REALLY living. So I am just content and full today.

We got up this morning at 6:15, which may not seem too early for some, but for an insomniac like me it is pretty freaking early. We ate a quick breakfast and then pulled John in his wagon down to our local park.

When we got home I cleaned up a little and the boys played with Duplos. Josh built John the cutest elephant.

Then John and I made blueberry muffins.  

After naptime John and I went outside to play. He wanted to wash his gator and then we pulled out the pool and fantastically trashy fringed umbrella. (That umbrella was at my mom's house when she bought it. It may be ugly, but John and I get sooo much use out of it because it is light enough to carry around easily.)

We ended up playing out there for over two hours. Then came inside and went back out into the front yard to play.  Needless to say, John fell asleep instantly when I put him down.

Not much substance to this post, but I am full of joy and just had to share it :)

Happy Thursday!

Fall Crafties

I haven't been doing a very good job of documenting my crafting lately, but here are a few pictures of some of the latest goodies I've made for John.

Two gnomes, two pumpkins and a toadstool for our fall nature table (if I ever find a place to put the fall nature table lol). I got the ideas and patterns from Twig and Toadstool, an awesome crafting and Waldorf blog.

I made these little pumpkins for a 5 Little Pumpkins fingerplay

5 little pumpkins sat on a gate

The first one said, "oh my, it's getting late."

The second one said, "There are witches in the air."

The third one said, "well, I don't care."

The fourth one said, "let's run and run and run."

The fifth one said, "isn't Halloween fun!"

Then WHOOSH went the wind

and OUT went the lights

and the five little pumpkins rolled out of sight.

John has been enamored of these guys and really likes to help me say the rhyme.

John and Daddy built a LEGO firetruck, so I made this little felt building and flames so John could put out the fire.

I have to get started on holiday crafts soon. I am going to attempt to make almost all of John's Christmas gifts this year. The only exception will be his one gift from Santa. He has been talking about a big LEGO tractor and asking that Santa get it for him. We will see...

Happy Wednesday!

P.S. I am going with Josh to pick up John in about two hours. I am not 100% yet, but definitely well enough to take back mommy duties :)

The Business of Being Born

Since I have been sick I have been watching a lot of movies on Netflix via my computer. (Thanks mom for letting me hack your account :) ) Tonight I watched this documentary called The Business of Being Born. It is a movie about home birth, midwives and some of the ways that medical interventions have removed the power of birth from the mother. It was an incredibly powerful, moving documentary and it really made me think about my birth experience.
I have been pretty open on my blog about my IVF experience, but I haven't really shared a lot of details about John's birth. I really wanted to have a natural childbirth. I wanted to do the Bradley method, which was so successful for friend's of ours. I wanted to avoid interventions and medications and the whole lot. Then I found out about my unicornuate uterus and the fact that it had the potential to have a major impact on my pregnancy. The risks for preterm labor and breach position were much higher because of the lack of space. Once I started seeing the perinatologist and having ultrasound after ultrasound we saw that John kept flipping and I started to feel like it was pointless to go through all of the training when we didn't even know if it would benefit us.
Then as I started to get further into my pregnancy, more things started hitting us. I previously thought that the battle for me was just going to be getting pregnant. I thought that the universe would take pity on me and let me have a beautiful pregnancy because we had already been through so much. It turns out that I was wrong. I had a very difficult pregnancy and ended up in the hospital for nearly a month due to preterm labor. I ended up going into labor for the last time at 34 weeks 6 days. I was still in the hospital, set to be released the next day, but they stopped my labor because I hadn't hit the magical 35 week mark. I mean, I had already been in labor 4 or 5 times. I was 100 % effaced, 5 centimeters dilated...I was ready to have this kid, but they stopped it. My wonderful doctor came back the next day and stripped my membranes and told me to walk around to try and induce labor, which I did to no effect. I ended up home the next day.
At exactly 37 weeks I thought I started feeling contractions again so we went back to the hospital. We didn't wait too long because I was already so dilated that everyone was nervous I wouldn't make it back to the hospital. Once I got there the nurse said that John's heart rate wasn't accelerating as it should. After trying for about two hours to get some results my doctor came in and broke my water. 20 minutes later monitors started going off and people started running into our tri-age room. John's heart rate had dropped to about 45 beats per minute. My doctor came in and flipped me on my side then checked to see if there was a cord issue. There was no cord wrapped around his neck, but his heart rate wouldn't go back up. There was no discussion, we were headed for a c-section. It was an e emergency, so they left Josh standing in the tri-age room while they ran me to an OR. When we got there John's heart rate had picked up enough that there was time to do a spinal instead of general anesthesia. That meant that Josh could come into the OR. He made it into the room, held my hand, and before he could even sit down we heard, "hello there." We had a very healthy 5lb 14 oz baby which was all that I ever wanted.
Here is the hard part though. There is a part of me that still wonders, could I have done things differently? I truly in my heart believe that vaginal delivery with immediate skin to skin contact is what is best for the baby. It breaks my heart to think of John being pulled out and immediately carried over to a scale to be poked and prodded. I didn't even get to hold him until the recovery room which was at least 15-20 minutes later. I look at moms who had natural deliveries and I feel like less of a woman, less of a mother. I don't think that I could have changed anything. I really think that we were one of those cases that needed serious medical intervention to prevent a tragedy. If I had to do it all over again I would do exactly the same thing. I mean, I would have given over my life to make sure that he came into this world healthy. I just wish, and I think it is probably ok to wish, that the circumstances had been different. I hope that when I have my next baby I have the strength to fight for what I want and play an active role in the making decisions for our care. I hope we get to do a natural V-BAC and that I get to experience the kind of birth that I dream of, but it I don't I will be ok as long as the baby is ok. (This is, of course, assuming that there will be another pregnancy).
I don't know, I guess this was sort of just a stream of consciousness post. It is something that I think about a lot but rarely express because it sounds sort of ungrateful.